There are people who haven’t done the thing they’re accused of people who have done the thing and know it but don’t want to talk about it (or feel it), and people who have done the thing and who have managed to twist things in their mind so that they honestly don’t know it, but instead think the problem was caused by someone or something else. Actually we should distinguish between three kinds of defensive reaction. Though outward forms are going to look very similar, there is a difference between someone who is accused of something he or she has not done, and someone who has done a bad thing but who doesn’t want to acknowledge it. We should distinguish between two kinds of defensive reaction while we’re on the subject. Instead, you get to feel angry and self-righteous which, while not exactly relaxing, is a much more positive way to feel. When the focus of attention is not on you, you don’t have to feel the guilt or shame or other emotion that you’d normally feel when a personal failing is pointed out. By going on the attack, the first person bids to shift the focus of negative attention from him or herself onto the other person. Here, responsibility is accepted, briefly, and then essentially negated by that person going on the attack and accusing the other person in the conversation of some crime. This is a slightly more complex form of defensive which takes a cue from the old saying "the best defense is a good offense". Your final example involves someone who says "I may have done this (awful thing), but you did this (other awful thing)", complete with finger pointing. Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician. Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen.‘Anne’ and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service. ‘Anne’, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column.No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by ‘Anne’ to people submitting questions.
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